Stress Moments, how we get there, and the Enneagram of it all.

STRESS SUCKKKKKKKKKKKKS

It sucks.

You might not like hearing this, but..

The more we try to avoid stress, the more the stress sucks the life out of us like Sarah Sanderson in Hocus Pocus stealing the beauty from children.

…what am I even saying!?

My issue (and most of my clients) isn’t the stressful moment itself, but how much effort we put into trying to avoid it.

Think about it! It makes PERFECT sense… if I do say so myself 😅

We try SOOOO HARD to avoid conflict, rejection, separation, betrayal, the works…

So…OBVIOUSLY it’s like pouring vinegar on a papercut when life issues still end up happening.

My most ‘successful’ clients are the ones who can admit that SOMETIMES they’re MAAAAYBE just a little bit responsible for causing their own stress.

They are the clients who ACCEPT that stress is a part of life, and they can’t always control it.

No idea what I mean?

Let’s look at some stress patterns I’ve observed in each Enneagram type, pair it with how it might be caused by our Enneagram type itself, and what the EFF to do about it 😅 For an added layer, look at your stress line!

NOTE: This blog post should not be used to help you figure out your Enneagram Type. In reality, you might relate to all of them. These patterns are autopilot for each type, but it doesn’t mean they won’t ever show up in you.

These also aren’t the only way stress could show up - that’s for you to uncover about yourself! (or maybe with help wink wink wink).

Bookmark this to come back to when you know your type, and the vague sense of ‘oh thats kinda me’ will start feeling like ‘oh shit……😳"‘

**I am not a doctor. None of this is meant to diagnose or treat mental health concerns.

Please reach out to a medical professional for help if needed. You are not alone. 🩵**

Enneagram Types + How they can be the cause & solution to their own stress

Enneagram 1 -> Reaction Formation

• Enneagram 1s are motivated by being good, moral, ethical people. We talked about this last week! (I’m gonna write that for every type, so skip that line if you’re gonna read them all) That drive to be good really shows up in their defence mechanism - Reaction Formation. Sometimes even before they sense stress coming, reaction formation shows up early. Basically, it’s noticing their natural aka ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ impulses, and doing the opposite aka the ‘good’ thing. Sometimes? That goes too far.

  Picture this: The holiday season is coming. Suzie Enneagramone (nice last name, right?) desperately wants it to be perfect. If things don’t unfold the way she’s expertly planned? She’s to blame. That’s a lot of a pressure!!! She feels the weight of it all before it even happens. She senses stress coming on. Now, she has to fix that feeling. Her brain starts to think ‘what would happen if I just… let someone else handle things?’ or ‘what if I just said ‘Forget it - no family gathering this year, I’m going on vacation!’?’

  Then UH OH - that inner critic gets going. ‘I can’t believe you thought that! Are you serious? What kind of person are you? DO BETTER’ 😫 Very not fun. Very soul crushing. Very Reaction Formation @ Work. What to do about it?! (Enneagram 1s are competency/solutions forward during disappointment after all.. and in this moment? They’ve disappointed themselves)

  Time for Suzie Enneagramone to go hard in the other direction. Be the most PRESENT, perfect host (guest, friend, partner, etc). But, that’s not all. There’s an inner drive to prove to themselves that those bad thoughts are NOT who they are, so they condemn them - resenting anyone who acts on those impulses freely.

  What did we talk about last week too? Fixed Thought Patterns. Enneagram 1s was resentment. See how that ties in? 👀

  BACK TO SUZIE: She’s had a thought, she’s decided the thought is ‘bad’, she’s decided what’s right, she’s acted on it, and she’s resented/judged anyone who did follow through on her original thought. Her frustration builds and her anger simmers. Her resentment has made the air so thick you could spread it on toast. Essentially, Suzie Enneagramone is tense as HELL. The smallest issue can set her off. And what happens over the holidays? So. Many. Issues. 🧨 Boom goes the dynamite.

  Now, she’s stressed. She feels worthless, she’s dreaming of perfect holiday seasons of the past - all while wondering if there’s something fundamentally wrong with her.

• Reaction Formation Cycle Complete + Repeat:

  • think something

  • label it ‘bad’

  • beat self up

  • think better thoughts

  • do better actions

  • resent others

  • hate self for resenting

  • repeat

  What was the pivot point? Could she have turned this around?

  The pivot point was the thought + how it was treated. The thought she had? Not wrong! Didn’t make her a bad person, it made her human. But, those Enneagram 1 motivations/fears/defense mechanism came in & told her all of it is wrong and she’s bad to her core. This set off a cycle. Had she offered herself a little acceptance (aka ‘I’m allowed to have thoughts and they’re not bad or wrong’), accepted the holiday season will never go according to plan, and accepted that when things going wrong it says nothing about her worth as a human being? She might have caught the burner before she boiled over.

  If you’re an Enneagram One reading this: if you related, it doesn’t make you bad. It doesn’t mean you need ‘fixing’. We all have patterns! Catching yourself wanting to go hard - proving to yourself this isn’t you, or that this is something you can ‘fix’? CONGRATS! You’ve caught yourself at a pivot point. Be kind to yourself. There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re just human. 🩵

Some of my favourite Enneagram 1s:

(L-R) Sam Obisanya, Angela Martin, Amy Santiago, Barbara Howard

Enneagram 2 -> Repression

• Enneagram 2s are motivated by being liked, loved, wanted, and needed. We talked about this last week! There’s a deep drive to be the person others love having around, to be necessary fixture in people’s lives. This really shows up in our (hi fellow 2s!) defence mechanism - Repression.

  Here’s the kicker for us, we barely even notice stress is coming. We’re too busy repressing our needs, our feelings, and anything that could be seen as unlikeable or needy. Sometimes? That goes too far.

  Picture this: The holiday season is coming. Jessica Enneagramtwo desperately wants it to be filled with love, support, and gratitude. She wants everyone else to feel it, too. She wants to be the person who provides all the love, and wants to bask in the appreciative glow her care has earned. That’s a lot of a pressure!!! Her brain is saying ‘treat others how you want to be treated and put them first, always. especially during the holidays.’

  Then UH OH - Anything Jessica needs or feels? That’s selfish. ‘It’s the holidays, we think about OTHERS now!!’, her mind screams. Very not fun. Very soul crushing. Very repression. So, being in the Dutiful Group, she moves towards people -> believing as long as her relationships are happy she’ll be happy.. She showers them with the love and care she’d love this time of year, believing if she is able to focus all her energy on making other people feel loved, she will feel the love herself.. Obviously. Treat others how you want to be treated, like I said.

  What did we talk about last week, too? Fixed Thought Patterns. Enneagram 2s was flattery. See how that ties in? 👀 Flattery isn’t just compliments.. it’s about making people feel good -> but go read the other blog post to get more nuance!

  BACK TO JESSICA: Jessica Enneagramtwo had a thought about the holidays - ‘I can make sure everyone feels loved. As long as I anticipate everyones needs & take care of them, they’ll do the same for me’. She put her needs/feelings aside, put others first, and now? She’s feeling drained. She’s sensing rejection in everyones tone, and she’s catching herself wishing she had someone like her in her life. The slightest hint of unappreciation can shatter her heart. 🧨 Boom goes the dynamite.

  Now, she’s stressed. She feels like a twig being stepped on - she snapped. She’s feeling used, and unworthy of love.

• Repression cycle complete + repeat:

  • deny needs

  • over give

  • under receive

  • snap

  • expect rejection

  • try to earn love

  • repeat

  What was the pivot point? Could she have turned this around?

  The pivot point was the thought + how it was treated. The thought she had? Not wrong! Wanting people to feel loved, and wanting to feel loved in return makes her human. But, those Enneagram 2 motivations/fears/defence mechanism came in and told her the way to do it was to bleed herself dry. Just to leave her wondering why no one else waters her the way she waters others. This set off a cycle. Had she offered herself a little acceptance (aka ‘I’m allowed to pay attention to, and take care of my needs before worrying about others.. even during the holidays’), accepted that everyone else is allowed to do the same, and accepted that when they do - it has nothing to do with to her worth as a human being? She might have diffused the bomb before it went off.

  If you’re an Enneagram Two reading this: if you related, it doesn’t make you unlikeable. It doesn’t mean you’re broken. We all have patterns! If you’re catching yourself wanting to reach out to loved ones right now to prove to yourself this isn’t you to feel better? CONGRATS! You’ve caught yourself at a pivot point. Be kind to yourself. There’s nothing wrong with you. Your needs matter too. It’s not selfish. It’s self love.🩵

Some of my favourite Enneagram 2s:

(L-R) Annie Edison, Jessica Day, Michael Scott, Ted Mosby

Enneagram 3 - Identification

• Enneagram 3s are motivated by achievements, success, and recognition. We talked about this last week! That drive to be seen as valuable really shows up in their defence mechanism of identification. When 3s sense stress coming, they flip their identification switch without even realizing. Basically, it’s ‘who I am isn’t good enough. Time to wear the traits/behaviours that I admire like a costume. That will keep my reputation intact.” <- remember, it’s subconscious though. I’m just writing it out.

  Picture this: The holiday season is coming. Gemma Enneagramthree desperately wants the Hallmark Holiday. She wants to show off all that she’s worked for -> her family, her home, the effort she puts into decorating it, the quality of the gifts, all of it. It’s proof of her success, and ultimately - her value. She thinks to herself -> “what would Hallmark Holly Day do?” And, since Enneagram 3s are competency/solutions people, she does it while making it look easy.

  Then UH OH - Suddenly, her house feels like it’s falling apart. The second she walks in the front door, all she can see is imperfections. And if she can see it, so can everyone else. Not to mention, Christmas cards already went out, and she missed her kids finger being shoved up to their brain. This isn’t the Hallmark Holiday she planned… what will people say? So? She’s back at work - crafting a holiday that would impress Holly Day herself, by doing exactly as she would do. Rinse + repeat. Very not fun. Very tiring. Very identification coded.

  But, wait… where’s the dynamite? Well, with 3s you might not see any.

  What did we talk about last week, too? Fixed Thought Patterns. Enneagram 3s was vanity. See how that ties in? 👀 Vanity isn’t just ‘to look good’, it’s curating what people see and what they don’t -> but go read the other blog post!

  OKAY, BACK TO GEMMMA: Now, she’s stressed. She barely feels anything at all. She’s going through the motions, and it’s like life is on 2x speed while she’s on 0.5.

• Identification Cycle Complete + Repeat:

  • Set goal

  • denigrate self

  • wear a personality like a mask

  • achieve, feel empty

  • refuse to show cracks

  • repeat

  What was the pivot point? Could she have turned this around?

  The pivot point was the thought + how it was treated. The thought she had? Not bad! Wanting that cheesy, romcom holiday isn’t a bad thing! People LOVE them for a reason! But, those Enneagram 3 motivations/fears/defence mechanism came in, told her the way to do it was to become someone else. This set off a cycle. Had she offered herself a little acceptance (aka ‘my holidays don’t have to look certain way, and neither do I’), accepted people will always have something to say regardless of how great things look, and accepted that even when she’s not presenting a life that’s all shined up with a bow, it says nothing about her worth as a human being? She might have enjoyed the holiday, instead of performing it.

  If you’re an Enneagram Three reading this: if you related, it doesn’t make you bad. It doesn’t mean you’re broken. We all have patterns! If you’re catching yourself wanting to turn this into a new goal to reach, or thinking of persona to embody? CONGRATS! You’ve caught yourself at a pivot point. Be kind to yourself. There’s nothing wrong with you. Who you are is the shit, and we’re here to roll in it with you. 🩵

Some of my favourite Enneagram 3s:

(L-R) Harvey Specter, Wickie Roy (Leslie Wiggins), Tom Haverford, Winston Schmidt

Enneagram 4 - Introjection

• Enneagram 4s are motivated by being true to themselves, finding themselves, and finding significance in all of life’s moments. We talked about this last week! That drive to find meaning/significance really shows up in their defence mechanism - introjection. Basically, they want their life to have meaning, but their introjection tells them to look for it in places it can’t be found, leaving them feeling a combination of too much, but also not enough at the same time. PAUSE my 4 friend, this isn’t a bad thing. It’s just good to know.

  Picture this: The holiday season is coming. Christa Enneagramfour desperately wants to feel the magic of past Christmases. She muses on how snow smelled as a kid, the way her mum made the most delicious trifle, and it tickles her in the funniest way… because she remembers not being happy in the moment. There’s a part of her (she’s not sure how big or small) that dreams of going back in time. It’d give her a chance to relive the magic she missed, armed with what she knows now. There’s also a part of her that just knows it’ll never live up to her memory. How can she recreate the dream of it all?

  What did we talk about last week, too? Fixed Thought Patterns. Enneagram 4s was melancholy. See how that ties in? 👀 Melancholy isn’t just ‘I’m sad‘, it’s about longing and deep contemplation. -> but go read the other blog post!

  Then UH OH - the big family gathering is here and it feels… off. Christa can’t pinpoint it, but she can sense it - in the quiet conversations that she knows are about her (they always have something to say about her). The gift she got - nice, but not really her. Her sisters, though? It’s like the universe conspired to create it. Yes, it’s that perfect. It’s HER. Not that she’s mad or anything, just disappointed. ‘My sister’s the golden child, and always has been.’ If she’s being honest though, she’s felt different from her family since childhood. Not that she was born into the wrong one.. well, maybe she was. Whatever it is, it doesn’t feel right. And now, somehow, this day has gone from a dream to being a living reminder of how she’s the black sheep, of what she’s lacking, and now? She’s sensing a vibe shift -> scanning for hidden meaning in every glance, conversation, gift, hug, you name it. Something to help explain why she feels this way... on the outside of her own life… again. Very not fun. Very painful. Very introjection.

  But, wait… where’s the dynamite? Well, for 4s it might not feel like dynamite, it might feel like emotional truth (depending on your subtype, all 4s are different - but that’s for another post)

  OKAY, BACK TO CHRISTA: Now, she’s stressed. She’s convinced she’s not good enough for her loved ones, but also too much for them, too. Whatever she is, it’s wrong. Her heart says ‘give the love you want to get’, then shatters every time that sentiment isn’t reciprocated.

• Introjection Cycle Complete + Repeat:

  • nostalgic daydreams

  • idealize

  • feel let down

  • take things to heart

  • feel dejected

  • try to earn love

  • daydream

  • repeat

  What was the pivot point? Could she have turned this around?

  The pivot point was the thought + how it was treated. The thought she had? Not bad! Who wouldn’t want a nostalgic Christmas like that?! So warm and fuzzy 🥰 But, those Enneagram 4 motivations, fears, and defence mechanism came in, told her something was missing and that something felt off. This set off a cycle. Had she offered herself a little acceptance (aka ‘even if this holiday doesn’t stack up to past ones, I can still find the beauty in it’), accepted others moods as proof of their emotional state vs how they feel about her, and accepted that even if they are talking about her (for some reason) it says nothing about her worth as a human being? She might have felt like the missing puzzle piece completing a scene, not a piece in the wrong box.

  If you’re an Enneagram Four reading this: if you related, it doesn’t make you too much!!! It doesn’t mean you’re not good enough. It doesn’t mean you’re broken. We all have patterns! If you’re catching yourself wanting to sink into the feeling of ‘ughhhhhh’ - CONGRATS! You’ve caught yourself at a pivot point. Be kind to yourself. There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re like Goldilocks’ bowl from 3 Bears -> juuuuuuuust right 🩵

Some of my favourite Enneagram 4s:

(L-R) Titus Andromedon, Cameron Tucker, Howard Wolowitz, Gina Linetti

Enneagram 5 - Isolation

• Enneagram 5s are motivated by competency and capability. Really, they don’t want to be useless. We might not see this reflected in their defence mechanism, but it’s driving it at least a little. Isolation is Enneagram 5s MO. Basically, it’s ‘hmm if I had more information, I’d feel more comfortable. I’m gonna step away for a bit to load up, and I’ll be back with solutions.’ -> (sub: energy, money, or time for information) Now 5s, before you keep reading, it’s not meant to be verbatim of what your type thinks. You might think ‘I’m drained.’ or maybe you pull an Irish Goodbye, that’s for you to observe in yourself.

  Picture this: The holiday season is coming. Tracy Enneagramfive wants it to be laid back, low frills, and hopefully not as over the top as last year.. if possible. She plans her time wisely - being deliberate with the events she attentions, she convinces the family to do Secret Santa to save everyone money, and she expects chaos, but feels primed to handle it.

  What did we talk about last week, too? Fixed Thought Patterns. Enneagram 5s was stinginess. See how that ties in? 👀 Stinginess isn’t just hoarding money. It’s about holding onto all your resources (including personal ones), so you don’t run out -> but go read the other blog post!

  Then UH OH - The texts come in. They are laced with expectation. She swears people expect you to be overly happy, excessively social, and have the energy to visit everyone your partner’s ever met (and apparently their mother?!) Tracy can’t keep up. Her energy is being pulled in all directions - every new expectation like the pop up that just won’t close when you’re trying to read something.

  But, wait… where’s the dynamite? If 5s feel comfortable, you might see it. Otherwise, you won’t see much of them at all. “Well *slaps legs* there you have it,” as she walks away. Her energy meter is drained. She’s done. She has set her boundaries. She’ll show up to the bare minimum, but she refuses to let her energy be siphoned from her. Very not fun. Very draining. Classic isolation.

  OKAY, BACK TO Tracy: Now, she’s stressed. She’s convinced the world around her has too much going on, but there’s no relief in her mind either, and now she’s feeling like a hamster on it’s wheel. Doing everything she can to put a positive spin on all this, but scattering it in all directions. ‘You’re competent, right?’, she says to herself. She can do everything, and then some! And, she’ll do it with a smile on her face. That is.. until she’s running on empty again, and needs to recharge.. alone.

• Isolation Cycle Complete and Repeat:

  • Set boundaries

  • sense expectations

  • pull away

  • mind races

  • reframe everything

  • refuse to miss out

  • burn out

  • repeat

  What was the pivot point? Could she have turned this around?

  The pivot point was the thought + how it was treated. The thought she had? Not bad! The holidays ARE filled with expectations. But, those Enneagram 5 motivations, fears, and defence mechanism came in to tell her how exhausting it was going to be before anything happened. This set off a cycle. Had she offered herself a little acceptance (aka ‘self, you’re gonna be tired. this is going to be a lot. you can do it. you don’t have to do it all, but you can do more than you think.’), accepted that other people will have expectations that she doesn’t have to meet, and accepted that even if she disappoints them, it says nothing about her worth as a human being? She wouldn’t have spiralled into the most random Reddit rabbit hole to keep her mind busy until she transformed into the Tazmanian Devil.

  If you’re an Enneagram Five reading this: if you related, it doesn’t make you useless. It doesn’t mean you need more information to find a solution. There’s nothing to ‘fix’. You’re not broken. We all have patterns! If you’re catching yourself wanting to disappear - CONGRATS! You’ve caught yourself at a pivot point. Be kind to yourself. It takes less energy than being mean 🩵

Some of my favourite Enneagram 5s:

(L-R) Ron Swanson, Donna Paulsen, Gregory Eddie, Coach Beard

Enneagram 6 - Projection

• Enneagram 6s are motivated by being safe, secure, and supported. We talked about this last week! That drive really shows up in their defence mechanism - Projection. You might not see it as wanting to be safe/supported, but that’s where it comes from. Basically, it’s feeling anxious, worried, and/or concerned - then finding the source of that feeling from outside of themselves.

  Picture this: The holiday season is coming. Rebecca Enneagramsix desperately wants everything to go smoothly. She wants her people to enjoy every minute. So, she prepped ahead - finishing her shopping in September, planning the greatest gift opening arc for her kids, and practicing every recipe she plans on using. She. Is. Ready.

  Then UH OH - one of the toys she bought didn’t come with batteries. She SWEARS that they did. Why didn’t her husband catch it? He’s the one who bought them. She loves him, don’t get her wrong, but... all he had to do was run to Walmart, grab the toy, grab the batteries, and come home so she could wrap them. She literally wrote it down for him. Then, she thought it was a safe assumption that they came with batteries since she didn’t have any to wrap. Now, she’s got a kid who can’t play with his toy on Christmas, and no stores are open. Thanks, hubs. Very not fun. Very frustrating. Very projection. 

  Recap: She attempted to plan for everything. She really thought she did! But then, something she delegated get missed, and in the end she couldn’t rely on her support system. Now - Rebecca Enneagramsix is overwhelmed. One more thing goes wrong and? 🧨 Boom goes the dynamite. The holiday is officially on shaky ground.

  Now, she’s stressed. She decides it’s all up to her - if she doesn’t do her duty and fix this holiday quick - people might think she’s a bad mum. She thinks ‘this will be the Hallmark Holiday. Just watch me make it happen.’

• Projection + Stress Cycle Complete:

  • create plan

  • trust person

  • something goes wrong

  • find blame

  • feel overwhelmed

  • get productive

  • create new plan

  • repeat

  What was the pivot point? Could she have turned this around? 

  The pivot point was the thought + how it was treated. Her thought about the missed batteries? Not wrong! It’s human. But, those Enneagram 6 motivations, fears, defence mechanism came in & told her to find someone or something to blame. The issue wasn’t actually the battery, it was the internal pressure to create Christmas Magic. Had she accepted ‘it’s okay I missed the battery before wrapping, it happens’, recognized she couldn’t fix the issue in the moment, and trusted that when things go wrong (because they will) everyone will be okay? She might not have felt like a pressure cooker screaming for release.

  If you’re an Enneagram Six reading this: if you related, it doesn’t make you unstable. It doesn’t mean you need ‘fixing’. We all have patterns! If you’re catching yourself wanting to get ahead of this playing out for you this holiday season? CONGRATS! You’ve caught yourself at a pivot point. Be kind to yourself. You prepped as best you can. You deserve to enjoy, too!🩵

Some of my favourite Enneagram 6s:

(L-R) Dwight Schrute, Clare Devlin, Nate Shelley, Dr. John Dorian

Enneagram 7 - Rationalization

• Enneagram 7s are motivated by feeling free, satisfied, and content. We talked about this last week! That drive to be free really shows up in their defence mechanism - rationalization. Basically, any negative feeling or thing that happens gets flipped into a good thing. ‘But, wait… isn’t that …good?’ Only when it’s not taken too far.

  Picture This: The holiday season is coming. Olivia Enneagramseven desperately wants to squeeze each drop of joy from every experience. It’s the best time of year! So many parties on the calendar, brunches to eat, and holiday themed cocktails to taste test. She can’t wait!!

  Then UH OH - she sees a pic of her work wives out for karaoke. That kinda stings. She was invited and couldn’t go, but still… The FOMO is real. She pauses. She feels negativity washing over her, like she’s drowning. ‘Shake it off’ she mutters to herself ‘you don’t even like karaoke that much anyway!’ But, now she’s stuck on the sidelines of the group chat. She shakes like a dog drying off on the beach - trying to get that icky, negative feeling off. ‘Olivia, this isn’t that bad! Your holiday season is going to be perfect. You can make it happen.’ Very up and down. Very tiring. Very rationalization.

  Recap: Olivia got excited for the holiday season. She turned down certain invites to make room for more enjoyable ones. She watched her friends have fun without her. She got bummed. She rationalized. The icky feeling came back.

  Now, she’s stressed. Her eyes scan for anything that’s gone wrong. She feels responsible for making things perfect, and fixing the mood. She resents her friends for having fun without her, and thinks ‘It’s up to me to bring the joy back’ until something goes wrong and 🧨 Boom goes the dynamite.

• Rationalization + Stress Cycle Complete:

  • idealize

  • make plans

  • miss plans

  • feel fomo

  • shake it off

  • pressure to be perfect

  • idealize future

  • repeat

  What was the pivot point? Could she have turned this around? 

  The pivot point was the thought + how it was treated. Her feeling left out, even though she doesn’t love what they were doing? Not wrong! It’s human. But, those Enneagram 7 motivations, fears, and defence mechanism came in & told her any negative feeling will last forever. It would stick around like the pine needles you’re still vacuuming in March. The issue wasn’t actually being left out, it was the internal pressure to feel joy all the time. Had she accepted ‘there will be events I’ll miss, and that’s okay’, focused on the moment she was living vs missing, and let herself feel the sting of FOMO without running? Her joy might have overflowed instead of running dry.

  If you’re an Enneagram Seven reading this: if you related, it doesn’t make you stuck. This feeling won’t last forever.  We all have patterns! If you’re catching yourself wanting to ‘positive mindset’ your way out of this call out? CONGRATS! You’ve caught yourself at a pivot point. Be kind to yourself. You’re allowed to feel bummed, even when the world expects you to smile🩵

  Some of my favourite Enneagram 7s:

  (L-R) Chris Traeger, Jim Halpert, Eleanor Shellstrop, Barney Stinson

Enneagram 8 - Denial

• Enneagram 8s are motivated by being independent, and in control of their lives. We talked about this last week! That drive really shows up in their defence mechanism - denial. Basically, they feel something, deem it ‘weak’, and deny it exists. Otherwise? They’re vulnerable and open to being controlled.

  Picture This: The holiday season is coming. Melissa Enneagrameight desperately wants to keep the holiday magic flowing without having to fight to do it. She takes the lead; she’s the rock of the family after all. She doesn’t want anyone to worry about anything. She’s got this handled.

  Then UH OH - one of her kids woke up in a mood, and the other is not having it. Every 5 seconds there’s a new level of scream unlocked. Her head is pounding, her shoulders are by her ears, her kids are not responding to her ‘inside voice’, and her ‘monster’ voice (the kids term) slips out. “Melissa, do you need a hand?” her husband shouts. ‘Nope’ she shouts back, before she hears her mind in a tone, ‘get it together. people are counting on you. you’re tougher than this’. Very not fun. Very self dismissing. Very denial in action.

  Recap: Melissa wanted a magical holiday season. Her kids can’t control themselves, and reining them in is basically a pipe dream. Her head might explode, and now one kid has recruited their cousin, and it’s like a Wild West standoff right here in the living room. 🧨 Boom goes the dynamite.

  Now, she’s stressed. Every ounce of energy has been siphoned. She needs time alone, and she needs it now. Except, she’s hosting dinner and there are *expectations* for host… expectations of her. Melissa’s mind is on overdrive, trying to find solutions to the problem. Her gut chimes in, ‘Suck it up - you’re in charge’.

• Denial + Stress Cycle Complete:

  • take responsibility on herself

  • expect compliance

  • get frustrated

  • need space

  • remember responsibility

  • shut down weakness

  • take charge

  • repeat

  What was the pivot point? Could she have turned this around? 

  The pivot point was the thought + how it was treated. Her wanting to keep the madness away? Not wrong! Makes total sense. But, those Enneagram 8 motivations, fears, and defence mechanism came in to tell her the holiday was vulnerable and she’s doing a weak job of keeping it together. The issue wasn’t actually keeping things under control, it was the internal pressure to not let things control her. Had she accepted ‘kids are gonna be kids, and I can’t control it’, that it’s okay to need help sometimes, and it doesn’t take away from her worth as a human being? Her muscles might not be as tight as a cheerleaders ponytail.

  If you’re an Enneagram Eight reading this: if you related, it doesn’t make you weak. It doesn’t say anything about you! We all have patterns. If you’re ready to debate me on this? CONGRATS! You’ve caught yourself at a pivot point. Be kind to yourself. You don’t have to carry the whole damn holiday just to prove that you can.🩵

  Some of my favourite Enneagram 8s:

  (L-R) Melissa Schemmenti, Michelle Mallon, Rosa Diaz, Roy Kent

Enneagram 9 - Narcotization

Enneagram 9s are motivated by feeling a deep sense of peace and harmony. We talked about this last week! That drive really shows up in their defence mechanism - narcotization. Basically, they feel something, it’s uncomfortable (or might make someone else uncomfortable), so they compartmentalize. They put it in a box, somewhere in their mind, where they can’t feel it anymore.

Picture This: The holiday season is coming. Ave Enneagramnine desperately wants to keep the peace with her family. There’s a LOT of people coming by, and she wants everyone to enjoy. She’s got the fireplace on the tv, relaxing music playing, and the most comforting meal for dinner. Perfection.

Then UH OH - Someone brought up religion. Why? She has no idea. She can feel the discomfort lingering in the air. She tries to change the subject, but it doesn’t stick. Did anyone hear her? Either way, this is so uncomfortable and she can’t right now. Time to go to the snack table, it never brings up a topic that causes chaos. She starts to play old Christmas Claymation in her mind. Very not fun. Very checked out. Very narcotization.

Recap: Ava just wanted this holiday to be peaceful. When the boat started rocking, she tried to calm the waters.. and failed. Now, she’s reliving Rudolph while crushing the shrimp tray. The dynamite has fizzled out.

Now, she’s stressed. Her mind races: ‘what if this day causes separation in the family?’, ‘what will the holiday look like next year if that happens?’, ‘what am I gonna do?’.

Narcotization + Stress Cycle Complete:

• get uncomfortable with topic

• try to smooth tension

• check out

• get anxious

• feel uncomfortable

• repeat

What was the pivot point? Could she have turned this around? 

The pivot point was the thought + how it was treated. Her wanting a nice, peaceful holiday? Not wrong! I want that, too! But, those Enneagram 9 motivations, fears, and defence mechanism came in to say ‘this is too much to handle. time to self soothe.’ The issue wasn’t actually the topic being brought up, it was the internal pressure to feel comfortable (and keep others comfortable) at all times. Had she accepted ‘if they’re comfortable bringing it up, maybe others are comfortable talking about it’, that conflict is to be expected when family comes together, and if it happens, it says nothing about her worth as a human being? Her mind might stop sounding like a broken record of ‘what ifs’.

If you’re an Enneagram Nine reading this: if you related, it doesn’t make you bad. It doesn’t say anything about you! We all have patterns. If you’re already wanting to check out? CONGRATS! You’ve caught yourself at a pivot point. You can find a way to feel comfortable with discomfort, and peace will follow 🩵

Some of my favourite Enneagram 8s:

(L-R) Ann Perkins, Sandra Kaluiokalani, Terry Jeffords, Pam Beesly

PLEASE REMEMBER!!!!!!

NONE OF THESE ARE BAD - they’re just good to know.

Also, none of these are meant to place blame on you (or anyone else) for how you’re feeling.

They’re meant to show us that sometimes? We have more choices than we think.

Have you noticed this stress pattern in yourself?